Let me just start out by saying that I know this post will probably cause some controversy. I'm okay with that. This is something that has been on my mind for months now and I had to say something. It's not my intention to pass judgement or to label or to generalize. It's simply my thoughts based on my own observations.
Anyone who knows me in real life, follows me on Twitter, or reads this blog obviously knows that I'm pregnant. And yes, this is my first child. Since the day I found out I was expecting I have been doing research... I started reading articles, studying books, I joined online pregnancy communities, and started following all the knowledgeable momma's I could find via Twitter. In this process I noticed something that really upset me. I started seeing these so-called 'birth activists' who would post things on Twitter or respond to other momma's in my due date community essentially saying that anyone who doesn't choose a natural vaginal birth with NO interventions is un-educated, misinformed, and making a horrible choice for themselves and their unborn. Furthermore, you are destroying the planet if you choose to use disposable diapers, you're interrupting the mother-child bond if you choose not to 'wear' your baby and use a stroller, and GOD FORBID you use formula... you may as well hand your child over to the devil himself for all the long term damage you are causing! Now, I know that a lot of these women truly have the best intentions. Most of them are standing up for the women who have OB's who tell them their baby is too big to birth vaginally or tell them that their baby will die if they don't have an induction at 40 weeks. They are supporting people who have been lied to and cheated by the medical community. However, SOME of these women don't care about a woman's specific circumstances. They don't bother to find out why a woman may choose a scheduled c-section or an epidural. They think you should run quickly away from any OB and birth safely at home in the living room. They want to tell you the 'right way' to things, and everything else is dangerous and wrong. These are the women who make me mad.
The other day while on Twitter I read a tweet posted by one of these 'birth activists' saying that any pregnant woman who chooses to to see an OB is making a mistake. Excuse me? While I agree there are many induction happy OB's out there, there are also wonderful, caring, and educated OB's out there (take mine for example...) who want nothing more than a safe baby and mommy. Not every OB is trying to cut your belly open to make it home in time for a 5pm dinner. Just because you may have had a bad hospital experience, doesn't mean that hospitals are evil places who's only goal is to destroy the beautiful and important process of birth. Another woman, after reading a pregnant lady's blog post about bringing makeup and hair products so she could look cute and feel good after birth, took it upon herself to actually respond to this woman on Twitter who she doesn't even KNOW to say that she's DIS-empowering woman everywhere by wanting to look good during birth instead of looking like a sweating angry mess during the most important time of her life. She also called her out because she said she may want an epidural after dialating to 5-6cms. REALLY? Why the hell does this women care that someone wants to put on mascara when everyone in her life is going to be visiting her and the new baby and taking pictures? Just because SHE didn't care about looks during birth doesn't mean that we all feel like way! Hell, I fully plan on showering, doing my hair, and putting on makeup after birth so I can look and feel my best! I'ts an individual choice and it's not causing harm to anyone! And why does she feel the need to judge someone just because she may or may not choose to use medication during birth? As a first time mom, I understand fear of the unknown and if I feel like I'm in too much pain to focus on delivery my baby safely then I will get pain medication to relax and sooth me. This isn't someone standing up for a woman who has been misinformed or lied to or who is choosing to do something dangerous... this is someone who's simply judging another woman's choices for herself and her baby and frankly, sticking her nose in where it doesn't belong. Why do these women CARE? Leave us pregnant woman alone. If we come to you and ask for help, fine, educate us, but do not come to us with your opinions and try to guilt us into thinking that your way is better. Pregnancy is stressful enough. Whatever way a woman chooses to birth IS the right way! I don't care about your views on the subject, that's the truth! And you and your opinion isn't helping anyone... it's making women who don't make that choice feel guilty and that is WRONG.
Take my sister for example... She was absolutely dedicated from the get-go to make the best choices possible for her and her baby. She spent so much time researching her options for labor, writing a detailed birth plan, taking breastfeeding classes and infant care classes, and she planned on having a 100% natural, intervention free labor. Mother Nature however had other plans. She went into labor 2 weeks early and her son was still breech and after some unsuccessful attempts to turn him, she was wheeled into the operating room for c-section. I just remember the look of disappointment on her face. I could tell she was devastated that after all her time and research and preperation she had to do the one thing that she was trying to avoid... the dreaded C-section! But you know what? In the end she had her son and after time she recovered and now she is an excellent mother to my 8 month old nephew. Despite latching troubles in the beginning, she has managed to exclusively breastfeed him. I couldn't be more proud.
Another example is a new momma that I've been following on Twitter, mammamccann. She had a simliar experience where she planned a beautiful relaxing homebirth experience with no interventions. Unfortunately, she had a condensed labor, struggled with positioning, and was in an extrodinary amount of pain. She ended up with an emergency C-section as well and struggled to let go of the feelings of guilt and shame over a 'failed birth'. Now she realizes that none of that matters, she has her beautiful and healthy daughter with her and she is still able to be the wonderful mother that she wanted to be. (Click here to read her wonderful blog post which oozes with positivity and wisdom. I love her attitude!). My favorite part of her post is below and couldn't sum up my own feelings about birth better:
"... it becomes more apparent to me as time goes by how much is focused on a vaginal birth being 'natural' and 'the right choice'. Women need to feel empowered whichever way they give birth. The birth is not what is important its the aftermath, nurturing your child, loving your child. We should not be judged by the way baby arrived but of our own courage, strength."
(thank you mammamccann for allowing me to share your story! Like I've told you, your attitude is truly inspiring and I hope that others can learn from your experience!)
So why should these women feel guilty just because they weren't able to birth vaginally? It's because the so called 'birth activists' tell them this is how they should feel.
I have been hesitant to write about my own birth plan and parenting choices because I know that most of the 'crunchier' women who follow me will not agree and will pass judgement on me without bothering to understand why I plan to do what do. But you know what? Let them judge me! Here's my plan out in the open for all to see.
I see an OB, NOT a midwife. I looked into midwives and even spoke with some, and you know what? It wasn't for me. I chose to birth in a hospital which was 100% covered by my insurance and where I know I can choose to use medication if I want to (that's right, I said it. I may actually want medication during birth! *GASP*). I did not see the logic of paying almost three thousand dollars to go to a birth center which could potentially end in transfer to a hospital anyway. I chose not to use a doula, you know why? I believe that birth is something that should be experienced by the father of my child and myself... I do not need to pay a stranger to be in the delivery room to support me when my boyfriend is and always has been a tower of strength for me to lean on. I plan to use disposable diapers. I am a working mother who also goes to school, and I do not have time or energy to do 3 loads of laundry a day and I truly think that the prices of cloth diapers are just as ridiculous as the prices of disposables. I am going to breastfeed my baby for as long as it makes sense to me. I could pretend and say that I plan to breastfeed until at least 6 months, but you know what? That is unrealistic. I will exclusively breastfeed while I am still on maternity leave and at home with my baby, but once I go back to work and start classes again, I will probably supplement with formula. Sure, I could pump every 2 hours at work and yes, the law says that I must be provided with a place to pump. But guess what? Leaving my desk to pump every 2 hours in the bathroom or my car sounds awful, and I really don't want to badger my boss about how I need to find a place to pump when I work in a tiny office with floor to ceiling windows and no privacy whatsoever. I will nurse my child when I can and hope to God that my supply lasts for as many night feedings as possible after I return to work, but I won't feel guilty for using formula.
My point is, I have plenty of reasons to do things differently than people say is best. I am NOT a stay at home mom who gets to dedicate all my time to my baby. I am a working mother and I need to support my family financially. I will do whatever is best for me regardless of what anyone thinks or says. So don't judge me. And stop judging other women out there who make different choices than you do. The only important outcome is having a happy, healthy baby. Period.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I totally get where you are coming from. I had both my boys in a hospital. I understand why women choose the hospital.
ReplyDeleteHowever this time (God willing my LAST time) I give birth I am doing it at home.
Both my boys' births were fast and uncomplicated but because of the hospital we were at and the doctor we had my husband was pushed out of the way (literally) to make room for all the extra nurses and even (sigh) the med students that came in at the end.
I don't know why women are so mean about pregnancy and mothering choices but they are. I am learning to ignore them. I am actually getting a lot of neg. feedback from friends and family because I am doing a home birth.
I hope you find a birth plan that fits you best. That is what is important in the end. Good Luck and great post!
I saw an OB with both of my pregnancies and absolutely loved loved loved him. If I have a third baby, he will be delivering him/her as well. My OB was 100% behind my birth plan and allowed me to have the births that I wanted. I had 2 very healthy baby boys vaginally with meds or any other intervention.
ReplyDeleteIt really pisses me off when people say doctors suck or only have a midwife, blah blah. But really, if you take time to find a doctor you connect with, its great.
I breastfeed and I think every mama should at least try to breastfeed. I am a huge breastfeeding advocate and often blog about it, but that doesn't mean I would judge or look down upon a mama who chooses formula. At least the baby is eating, right?!
Great post, good luck with the rest of your pregnancy mama! (key word: YOUR pregnancy!)
@meg:
ReplyDeleteThank you! You are honestly one of my favorite momma's on Twitter and I love reading your posts. It's great having someone experienced who is also pregnant and due around the same time as me! And your nursery is to die for! :)
I can't believe that your husband was treated that way during your birth. It's true, a lot of hospital staff treats women more like a number instead of a patient. Luckily, not ALL hospitals are that way or we'd be in big trouble. It sounds like a homebirth is truly the right choice for you and your family and I hope you have another quick and successful birth... I look forward to reading about it! Hopefully we can both learn to ignore the nay-sayers and birth the way WE choose. That's what is most important in the end.
@mama B:
ReplyDeleteAlthough I haven't given birth with my OB yet, I feel the same way about him... he is caring, positive, and 100% supportive of my birth plan. It's so important to find someone you connect with. I think a lot of women know deep down whether or not their OB is truly a good fit for them, but don't take the initiative to switch and find someone who's on the same wavelength as them if they are unhappy. And if they don't get the desired birth it's really easy to blame the OB which can be unfair...
I also think breastfeeding is so important. It's great nutritionally and economically. I truly want to give it my best shot and do it for as long as it makes sense for my family. I'm hoping for the best. I just want to also be realistic instead of setting myself up for disappointment. I know that it's going to be a challenge to work full time and go to school with a breastfed baby, and like you said, the important thing is that the baby is eating! I think it's great that you stand up for what you believe is best, but also stay open minded and support those who many choose differently! :)
Let me start by saying, I certainly know how annoying it can be when people share unsolicited opinions with you while you're pregnant. I had complete strangers call me crazy – literally say "you are crazy!" - to my face when they found out that I wanted a "natural" (unmedicated) birth. It sucks! But ya know what? If someone writes about their life and their pregnancy on a blog, and on Twitter, and routinely ASKS for opinions and advice, and has a comment policy saying "please share your experience!", then I don't think that person has ANY right to get upset when someone else (gasp!) shares an opinion. Now, I may be wrong, there might have been someone else who said the same things I did today, but I’m pretty sure you are attacking ME in your 3rd paragraph. It's too bad you didn't engage with me directly on Twitter so that we could have had a productive conversation. Instead you entirely misconstrued what I was saying to Jen. You don't know what my beliefs are, or frankly anything about me at all. If you're going to stick YOUR nose into what we were discussing, and post about it all over your blog and link to it all over Twitter, you should at least get your story straight.
ReplyDeleteFor the record, I wasn't saying that Jen was dis-empowering anyone because she wants to look good during her birth or get an epidural, and I didn't "call [her] out" for wanting to get an epidural. Her comments made me think about, and I was referring to, people who advocate FOR epidurals by saying they help women to "maintain control" and "remain dignified". I think this attitude, by care providers, husbands/partners, or other women, that women SHOULD look pretty and act nice during labor & birth, is detrimental because, let's face it, that's not the normal state of things for MOST women in labor, unmedicated or otherwise. And yes, I do believe that unmedicated, un-interfered-with birth IS best for the majority of women and babies. Epidural anasthesia has a place as a flawed but sometimes useful medical intervention into the natural act of childbirth. But of course everyone has the right to make their own choices, and as a doula I believe in meeting women where they are and supporting them in achieving their own personal goals. (And that includes supporting women who want an unmedicated birth and not calling them crazy or diminishing their hopes or plans as being unreasonable, unlikely, or naive.) However, knowing what I know about how birth works, I simply can't get on board w/the idea that epidural anesthesia is "right" for the 80% of women/babies who have it during birth. Birth doesn't have to be a scary event - I wasn't fearful AT ALL before I had my son, and yes, he's my first and only baby. With the proper education and support, I do believe that the vast majority of women can have safe, healthy, fulfilling birth experiences without doctors, medication, or very much intervention at all. That's my philosophy, backed by science and facts. I don't believe that sharing facts should "make" anyone feel guilty - if you are confident in your own choices, there is no reason to feel guilt.
But today, I wasn't trying to convince anyone of anything. I wasn't telling Jen that she shouldn't get an epidural - I was simply interested in WHY she thinks she'll want one at 5-6cm. In my experience, the more women learn about epidurals and other labor interventions, the less they want them. So I was interested in a different perspective. And on the other topic, about makeup & hair after birth, if you'd read further in our conversation, you would’ve seen that I told Jen that I *wish* that I'd taken a shower and gotten fixed up just a bit after my son was born. I see NOTHING wrong with that. I do think it's unrealistic to be worrying about your hair & makeup DURING the birth, and I hope that no one would let themselves be distracted by that to the point that it disrupts the focus from the birth. I do think that working with one's body to birth the baby is MUCH more important than how one looks, sounds, smells, etc. while doing it.
ReplyDeleteAs for some of the other points in your post, I use cloth diapers and they are FAR cheaper than disposables and I certainly don't wash 3 loads a day - try 1 load (3 cycles) every third day. But I don't think you're "evil" or whatever if you choose to use disposables - I just wanted to point out that cloth diapers can be easy and affordable. As for OBs, of course there are good ones out there, and saying that ALL of anything is wrong/bad, etc. is just silly. But that doesn't negate the opinions of MANY women who have had bad experiences with OBs. Even if your OB is great, many of them work in hospitals with policies (or have malpractice insurance policies) that "tie their hands" and make them more likely to go for a c-section rather than wait a little longer or try something else first. And OBs simply aren't trained in all the techniques that midwives (including certified nurse-midwives) learn in school. "When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail" is a good proverb that helps explain why OBs - who are surgical specialists - do so many surgical and operative (forceps/vacuum assisted) births, as well as many other routine interventions that are NOT supported by scientific research. They feel the need to DO something rather than sit back and let birth happen, as midwives are more likely to do. The examples you cited (women who had c-sections) sound like cases when surgery was NECESSARY and a saving grace! But the World Health Organization estimates that HALF of all surgical births in this country are UNnecessary, and many women are very, very upset about being cut open for no good reason. A healthy baby is NOT all that matters, and saying so is a huge slap in the face to women who have suffered birth trauma. Whether a c-section is necessary or not, many women feel bad - call it regret, anger, disappointment, whatever - for many complex reasons, including the pain of recovery, hormone disruptions, and the fact that to many people, it IS disappointing. This isn't "guilt" and it's not the "fault" of birth activists. For many women, it's human nature - we want to push out our babies! Our instinct is to BIRTH our babies, and many (but of course not all) women suffer a range of emotions, anywhere from a twinge of sadness to post-traumatic stress disorder, after a surgical birth (or any disappointing or traumatic birth experience, for that matter).
I know this comment is obscenely long but I wanted to address your attack on me, clarify my own beliefs and what I was discussing with Jen today, and hopefully provide some useful information on some of your other points. I love discussing birth, breastfeeding, and how feminism relates to motherhood, and I welcome further discussion or questions on my Twitter account: ramills08
@Rebecca M
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I was not ‘attacking’ you or by any mean ‘crucifying’ you. I think that’s a little dramatic and extreme. As I said in the intro paragraph, this post wasn’t meant to single out anyone. It was simply written based on my observations of several different people over the past few months. You were not the only person/example mentioned by any means. Although I did write a section based off a conversation you initiated yesterday, I purposely left your name/Twitter out of it… It wasn’t my intention to single you out whatsoever. I’m sorry you felt that way. As for why I didn’t respond to you directly via Twitter…. You said it yourself. You are a stranger. I wasn’t trying to cause drama with you, and frankly, I don’t have the energy to fight with someone who I know I will never see eye-to-eye with. If the conversation was misconstrued, then you are welcome to clear it up if you feel the need, but these were MY thoughts based on what I read. The post was inspired by many, many things I have observed since becoming pregnant. But because you chose to respond and to make this post about you, here you go…
I certainly don’t agree with your statement that if someone has a blog or a Twitter they are putting themselves out there to be judged. People start blogs for several reasons… they use it as an outlet or to document a special time in their lives. If said blogger at any time asks for advice or thoughts, I’m sure she wants them to come from a loving and non-judgmental place from friends or supporters. The ‘opinion’ you shared with this person in particular wasn’t asked for specifically… she didn’t ask what anyone thought about her choosing to do hair/makeup after birth or her decision to possibly opt for an epidural. You singled her out and initiated a conversation with her with the pretense that you just wanted to ‘understand’ people like her better when really you were judging her. I don’t think you were being malicious by any means, but I do believe that you were in fact judging, and therefore making someone question, second guess, or even feel guilt over her choices. Based on her responses, I believe she felt the same way. This is what makes me mad. Whether or not you think it’s unrealistic for someone to want to look good or if you think epidurals are risky and not needed… that’s my point. THAT IS YOUR OPINION. With all due respect, no one cares what someone else may THINK about these things… I am pregnant and I will choose to birth how I wish, and your opinion means nothing to me. The only time you get to express your opinion on these issues is with your own pregnancy or perhaps with someone you are mentoring who has specifically asked for your doula services. Just because you weren’t scared of childbirth with your first born DOES NOT mean that many, many, many other women aren’t! I know I am! And NO, that does NOT mean I am un-educated! That’s just so ridiculous and offending. I’ve seen documentaries, watched videos of water birth, home birth, unassisted birth, etc. I know the risks of epidurals and interventions. I also know the risks of driving a car and that doesn’t mean I’m going to start walking everywhere. Some women have a fear of the unknown… we don’t know what childbirth will feel like, we don’t know what to expect and therefore we leave the options for pain medication open. If I need to use it to relax and get my baby here safely then I will. Just because you may thing that’s unnecessary and that I should go through the pain of childbirth gladly doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do. It just means that that’s your opinion and that’s what worked for you. And I’m not judging you for your views, so don’t judge me on mine.
Continued...
ReplyDeleteI am confident in my choices, and by no means do I feel guilty. I’m speaking up for the women who didn’t get the natural vaginal birth they wanted and only feel guilty because people like you say that’s the important thing. My examples were to prove that regardless of the way a child is brought into the world, the real important thing is that they arrive happy and healthy. I can’t believe that you would even say “A healthy baby is NOT all that matters”… Wow… just wow. I don’t think that means I’m slapping those in the face who have had a traumatic experience at all. I can bet that regardless of the birth, ALL women are truly thankful that after their experience the outcome was the same… their healthy baby in their arms. People put way too much stock into the birth process itself. If you can have the beautiful birth you always envisioned that’s AWESOME, but that’s not the point of pregnancy. The point is having a baby who you and your partner have created and getting them here safely.
Yes, there are many OB’s who perform unnecessary c-sections. I specifically mentioned that in this post and I don’t think anyone is arguing that fact. There are also many abusive husbands out there, does that mean that I shouldn’t get married? Absolutely not. There are plenty of wonderful, caring, and supportive husbands out there just like there are plenty of wonderful, caring OB’s out there who love what they do and who’s only priority is to bring the baby into this world safely. Just because they are trained for surgical procedures in a medical emergency does not mean that’s the first thing they jump to when labor begins. Your basing your opinions off of the experiences of some and completely ignoring the experience of others.
With all this being said, I will say again that it wasn’t my intention to single you out… you did that yourself by posting this comment. I’m glad you are standing up for yourself and your belief’s, I just don’t think you realize how judgmental you seem to people on the outside. Many of your beliefs and views are great (from what little I’ve seen you write) and I’m sure that you have helped a lot of women who have had a traumatic birth experience. My point is that others may not share the same views as you and that’s okay. No way is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again, WHATEVER way a woman chooses to birth is the right way. No one else gets to say otherwise. Her body, her choice.
I never said that you were trying to single me out, and I'm not trying to "make this post about me" but you misconstrued my statements to vilify birth advocates/activists in general. That offends me. I agree that we should use our manners and not be purposely hurtful - there are real humans behind the computer screen. I could have been more sensitive yesterday, and I have already cleared things up with Jen. But as you acknowledged, I was not acting maliciously. I did not call anyone names or insult their intelligence. And again, I cannot MAKE anyone feel guilt or anything else. We are each responsible for our own actions and our own reactions.
ReplyDeleteOf course there are nice/good/whatever OBs, but factually speaking, OBs are not trained to attend normal birth. They are trained to manage complications, use medical interventions, and view pregnancy and birth as pathogenic - basically, a disease that needs to be treated, or at best, a problem waiting to happen. On the other hand, the midwifery model of care views birth as a normal part of life, and believes that the majority of births will proceed normally and safely if just left alone. OBs obviously have a place, for treating complicated pregnancies and births, but for a normal pregnancy, an OB is overkill - simply not necessary. Decades of research and practice in every other industrialized country in the world where midwives attend the majority of births prove they have better outcomes (not to mention lower costs) than in the USA.
I understand that many women are fearful of birth. I personally wasn’t fearful, but I'm not saying I'm “holier than thou”, or that I had the "perfect birth" - for the record, I had a very long, difficult, painful birth and made many mistakes in the process - and I'm not saying that everyone who is fearful is uneducated. Everyone has their own reasons for how they feel about birth. The reason I CARE though, is because fear is harmful to the birth process. Fear causes tension, which causes pain. If we can remove fear from the process, we can reduce the need for pain medications and other interventions which, even with fully informed choice, DO have risks and consequences for the mother and baby. As I said above, epidural anesthesia has a place, but any medical tool, when overused, causes more harm than good.
I really wanted to keep this to one comment but I have to address 2 more points before I can let this go:
ReplyDeleteYou seem to think that I, and other "birth activists," want to make women suffer, but nothing could be further from the truth. There's a difference between pain, and suffering. The normal pain of labor is "pain with a purpose” caused by the pressure of two bodies molding and changing and moving with and against each other. Listening to our bodies, moving and changing positions, finding an inner focus and a rhythm, not only helps relieve the pain but also helps move the birth process along. Unfortunately, many women experience abnormal pain, caused by stress, fear, lack of support, complications, or interventions (artificial rupture of membranes, induction or augmentation of labor using drugs, etc.), which cannot be managed by comfort measures alone. In these cases, narcotic pain medication may help the woman achieve a vaginal birth and avoid surgery.
There is no "right" or "wrong" way to give birth, but birth matters - it affects a woman for the rest of her life, and although a woman may "choose" an epidural or a labor induction, she's probably NOT choosing the many complications which can go along with these interventions – yet they frequently happen, and women and babies suffer because of them. Of course the baby’s health is important - probably MOST important to the majority of women (although there are certainly women who would choose their own health/safety/life over the baby's if forced to choose). But we can, and SHOULD, expect more out of our births than JUST a healthy baby! We can be thankful for a healthy baby AND be angry, disappointed, or traumatized by how the birth experience played out. For all your talk about not judging each other, you make a HUGE judgment when you say, "People put way too much stock into the birth process itself." In your opinion, the birth process may not be important to you, but please don't tell me or any other woman that we're "putting too much stock" into wanting a peaceful birth experience and the best start with our babies. It matters to us.
Thanks for the follow on twitter! :) I found your blog through your twitter page. I consider myself a birth activist only because I believe in a woman's choice. I would never tell someone how to birth or what's "right" and "wrong" but I do want to help educate on options. I wear my baby, but also use a stroller. I use disposable diapers - I work and don't have time for cloth. I breastfeed. So I know I'm not the picture "birth activist" that you're talking about... but I just wanted to say... that I think a lot of the women out there who are trying to push their views do so because something traumatic happened to them and they never want to see it happen to others... and they just don't know how to go about doing it politely or tactfully. I had an unnecessary c-section, I hated my OB, and I will never step foot in a hospital again. My next birth will be at home. I had a VERY hard time accepting my c-section (still do) and it was 6 months ago... I wouldn't wish what happened to me on my worst enemy. And I have to try and stop myself sometimes from butting in and telling other people what I think of OBs, hospitals, etc. I don't want to tell someone what to do or what's "right" because it's different for everyone - but sometimes it's hard to stay quiet because of the trauma I myself went through. Does that make sense? I agree with you that there are MANY activists out there who butt in and have a strong opinion and make others feel bad for their decisions... just wanted to say that some may be recovering and that's why they speak out.
ReplyDeleteBut annnyyyywayyyy, cute blog :) I'm a follower now!
Hi Emily! I'm glad we are now following each other, and I'm excited to get to know you! :)
ReplyDeleteI fully support those who stand up for woman who have had a traumatic birth experience and those who support a woman's right to choose the birth she wants. Those are the people I respect and admire! It's the people who judge and/or give their unsolicited advice to pregnant women that drive me crazy! If a woman wants a hospital birth with an epidural, great! If a woman wants an unassisted homebirth, great! The point I was trying to make is that one way isn't better or superior over the other. We should all support whichever way a woman chooses to birth regardless of our opinions! That, I believe, is a true birth activist.
I can understand why it may be hard to be pushy sometimes if you yourself have had a negative birth experience. Most of the time you are just trying to protect them from going through the same thing! I just want for people to inform others respectfully and tactfully instead of being pushy and judgemental about it. It's okay to educate, but to make someone feel bad for their decisions is wrong in my opinion!
Thank you for your comment. I love hearing about others opinions on the subject which is why I wrote a blog post about it. I just want women to be more supportive of each other!
Wow... I could have written this post myself!! I've come to the conclusion that SOME (not all) birth activists give the rest of them a bad name.
ReplyDeleteGreat great great post!! Love it! Love it!!
My biggest point is let's INFORM each other... not CRITICIZE each other!! *sigh*
Thanks again for sharing this ma!
Thank you so much! You are like my blogging idol so that means so much coming from you! :)
ReplyDeleteAnd haha, I think you *DID* pretty much write this post yourself today! I knew I had to send my post to you after reading yours because of how similar they are, especially because mine was inspired by something that happened to you. I just can't believe how many people are giving you 'helpful advice' on Twitter when you clearly have done your research and are doing the best thing for you and your little one! It just comes off as so judgmental. You have remained so classy and gracious throughout when most people would have been ripping their hair out by now!
I think a lot of people truly have the best intentions and a lot of them feel close to you because they all read your blog on a regular basis. But I bet it's hard to be in the spotlight when everything you write/say is being criticized. Please know that I - and many others - support you and whatever choice you make for your birth and your family! I'm wishing you the best! xoxo
Thank you so much! You are like my blogging idol so that means so much coming from you! :)
ReplyDeleteAnd haha, I think you *DID* pretty much write this post yourself today! I knew I had to send my post to you after reading yours because of how similar they are, especially because mine was inspired by something that happened to you. I just can't believe how many people are giving you 'helpful advice' on Twitter when you clearly have done your research and are doing the best thing for you and your little one! It just comes off as so judgmental. You have remained so classy and gracious throughout when most people would have been ripping their hair out by now!
I think a lot of people truly have the best intentions and a lot of them feel close to you because they all read your blog on a regular basis. But I bet it's hard to be in the spotlight when everything you write/say is being criticized. Please know that I - and many others - support you and whatever choice you make for your birth and your family! I'm wishing you the best! xoxo
Wow... I could have written this post myself!! I've come to the conclusion that SOME (not all) birth activists give the rest of them a bad name.
ReplyDeleteGreat great great post!! Love it! Love it!!
My biggest point is let's INFORM each other... not CRITICIZE each other!! *sigh*
Thanks again for sharing this ma!
Thanks for the follow on twitter! :) I found your blog through your twitter page. I consider myself a birth activist only because I believe in a woman's choice. I would never tell someone how to birth or what's "right" and "wrong" but I do want to help educate on options. I wear my baby, but also use a stroller. I use disposable diapers - I work and don't have time for cloth. I breastfeed. So I know I'm not the picture "birth activist" that you're talking about... but I just wanted to say... that I think a lot of the women out there who are trying to push their views do so because something traumatic happened to them and they never want to see it happen to others... and they just don't know how to go about doing it politely or tactfully. I had an unnecessary c-section, I hated my OB, and I will never step foot in a hospital again. My next birth will be at home. I had a VERY hard time accepting my c-section (still do) and it was 6 months ago... I wouldn't wish what happened to me on my worst enemy. And I have to try and stop myself sometimes from butting in and telling other people what I think of OBs, hospitals, etc. I don't want to tell someone what to do or what's "right" because it's different for everyone - but sometimes it's hard to stay quiet because of the trauma I myself went through. Does that make sense? I agree with you that there are MANY activists out there who butt in and have a strong opinion and make others feel bad for their decisions... just wanted to say that some may be recovering and that's why they speak out.
ReplyDeleteBut annnyyyywayyyy, cute blog :) I'm a follower now!
Continued...
ReplyDeleteI am confident in my choices, and by no means do I feel guilty. I’m speaking up for the women who didn’t get the natural vaginal birth they wanted and only feel guilty because people like you say that’s the important thing. My examples were to prove that regardless of the way a child is brought into the world, the real important thing is that they arrive happy and healthy. I can’t believe that you would even say “A healthy baby is NOT all that matters”… Wow… just wow. I don’t think that means I’m slapping those in the face who have had a traumatic experience at all. I can bet that regardless of the birth, ALL women are truly thankful that after their experience the outcome was the same… their healthy baby in their arms. People put way too much stock into the birth process itself. If you can have the beautiful birth you always envisioned that’s AWESOME, but that’s not the point of pregnancy. The point is having a baby who you and your partner have created and getting them here safely.
Yes, there are many OB’s who perform unnecessary c-sections. I specifically mentioned that in this post and I don’t think anyone is arguing that fact. There are also many abusive husbands out there, does that mean that I shouldn’t get married? Absolutely not. There are plenty of wonderful, caring, and supportive husbands out there just like there are plenty of wonderful, caring OB’s out there who love what they do and who’s only priority is to bring the baby into this world safely. Just because they are trained for surgical procedures in a medical emergency does not mean that’s the first thing they jump to when labor begins. Your basing your opinions off of the experiences of some and completely ignoring the experience of others.
With all this being said, I will say again that it wasn’t my intention to single you out… you did that yourself by posting this comment. I’m glad you are standing up for yourself and your belief’s, I just don’t think you realize how judgmental you seem to people on the outside. Many of your beliefs and views are great (from what little I’ve seen you write) and I’m sure that you have helped a lot of women who have had a traumatic birth experience. My point is that others may not share the same views as you and that’s okay. No way is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again, WHATEVER way a woman chooses to birth is the right way. No one else gets to say otherwise. Her body, her choice.
I saw an OB with both of my pregnancies and absolutely loved loved loved him. If I have a third baby, he will be delivering him/her as well. My OB was 100% behind my birth plan and allowed me to have the births that I wanted. I had 2 very healthy baby boys vaginally with meds or any other intervention.
ReplyDeleteIt really pisses me off when people say doctors suck or only have a midwife, blah blah. But really, if you take time to find a doctor you connect with, its great.
I breastfeed and I think every mama should at least try to breastfeed. I am a huge breastfeeding advocate and often blog about it, but that doesn't mean I would judge or look down upon a mama who chooses formula. At least the baby is eating, right?!
Great post, good luck with the rest of your pregnancy mama! (key word: YOUR pregnancy!)
I totally get where you are coming from. I had both my boys in a hospital. I understand why women choose the hospital.
ReplyDeleteHowever this time (God willing my LAST time) I give birth I am doing it at home.
Both my boys' births were fast and uncomplicated but because of the hospital we were at and the doctor we had my husband was pushed out of the way (literally) to make room for all the extra nurses and even (sigh) the med students that came in at the end.
I don't know why women are so mean about pregnancy and mothering choices but they are. I am learning to ignore them. I am actually getting a lot of neg. feedback from friends and family because I am doing a home birth.
I hope you find a birth plan that fits you best. That is what is important in the end. Good Luck and great post!